According to NZ Herald, “New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence IN THE WORLD. A shocking 80% of incidents go unreported.”
Someone here might simply need to read this. Most especially women suffering from verbal, psychological, emotional, and/or physical abuse.
You are not alone. You are not crazy, psycho, or paranoid. It’s not your fault. You didn’t start or cause any of it. He chose to respond and act that way. He chose to treat you that way.
I know you want to be that one person that could change him, support him, believe in him enough so he gets inspired to try or be better. I know you think if you give him all the love you can possibly give, he might treat you better — that he might love you back. I know you pray hard for him to be in a really good mood so conversations don’t turn to arguments, arguments don’t turn to fights, laughter doesn’t turn to disappointment, and spending time together doesn’t result to you feeling unloved and neglected still.
I know you ask yourself what more you can do to help lighten up his load, solve his problems, provide a stress-free environment for him so he’s happy. I know you ask yourself what more you can possibly give or do for this person in order for him to appreciate you. I know you just want him to see you.
Unfortunately, his mind works differently. Behaviours can be changed of course, but addictions (sexual, alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.) and personality/mental disorders are a totally different story. So unless he gets some serious professional help, or stay clean and sober; unless he makes his mind up to change, unless he makes that decision for himself, then he most likely won’t change — not for you, not for anyone.
No one in their right minds would disrespect, lie to, cheat on, manipulate, control, use, and lay a hand on someone they truly love.
And yes, staring at and turning his head for, other girls while he’s next to you is disrespectful. Sexting is cheating, chatting up girls on Tinder or other social media/dating apps and hiding it from you is cheating. Simply having the urge to “meet up”, “have a drink”, or “be alone” with someone other than your partner is emotional cheating.
Just because he didn’t hit you with his fist, just because it didn’t bruise or bleed, doesn’t mean you didn’t feel unsafe or that you didn’t get hurt. Most of the time, it’s not the physical abuse that damages the most, it’s the words, how you’re treated, it’s the lack of intimacy, the daily anxiety and stress.
Of course, there are good days — he makes you laugh, cooks for you, do stuff with you, shows affection even in public, makes off-and-on micro-improvements to make you think it’s not so bad, it could still work — but how undeniably wrong are the bad days?
How many times do you have to pack and leave? How many times do you have to give him a wake up call? How many more chances, how many more broken promises?
The cycle has to stop.
You aren’t trapped and you don’t have to suffer. You don’t have to be isolated from your friends anymore. There’s support out there. Organisations waiting for you to speak up, and cannot be any more willing to help. If you find yourself thinking if you should call the police, you probably should. Put yourself first. You’re not being selfish, you’re standing up for, and saving, yourself. At the end of the day, only you can make that decision and follow through.
Don’t wait too long that you start to believe you are the names he calls you. Don’t wait too long that you slowly become more like him, and less and less than the person you were before you met him.
You aren’t prey. You’re not just flesh. You have a heart and a soul — protect these. Your parents didn’t raise you up the best way they know how and showered you with love just so you can be treated by someone who doesn’t see your worth like that. You aren’t helpless. You are powerful in a sense that all you have to do is wake up to the reality of things. You can’t keep denying, justifying, and putting up with his close-mindedness, his irrational, damaging, and self-sabotaging behaviours. For your own sanity, listen to your gut, and love yourself first.
It’s traumatizing to be hurt in any form or way by anyone, how much more by someone you love and dedicated so much kindness, patience, time, effort, support, and affection to. I understand. It absolutely ain’t easy. But you know it’s time to take all that attention and focus away from him, and revert it all back to you. There’s hope. You can still change the course of your life. Forgive yourself. Be strong.
P.S. For our single ladies and gents looking for a partner, there’s one thing I learned the hard way, twice: red flags, are definitely RED FLAGS. Be cautious. ❤